New Words
by Dark-AmethystUnicorn
Summary: This evolved from a flatmate asking me what a uke was...Yuffie is such a rabid fangirl. T for safety


This is a _pointless_ little fic I came up with after a flatmate asked me what a uke was...our conversation wasn't remotely like this but I couldn't help thinking that Yuffie would be a rabid fangirl.

Disclaimer: See I'd love to claim to own Kingdom Hearts but well…there's these lawyer guys hanging over my shoulder threatening lawsuits if I dare to so I must mournfully claim the opposite: I don't own kingdom hearts.

_**New Words**_

Traverse Town was that dark gloomy little world where people sought refuge after losing their worlds to the Heartless. Amongst the numerous refugees were a quartet from Hollow Bastion and a blonde man from parts unknown.

Cloud had arrived shortly after the Hades Cup looking mildly confused as Yuffie dragged him to the Small House in the Third District and introduced him to Cid and Aerith who kindly offered him a spot on their humble floor. At further confusion Cid took pity and explained it in a simple succinct manner:

"Unless you want to take your fucking chances sleeping in the streets where them Heartless will fuck ya over, take the damn floor, but sleep on Leon's half, I don't share my fucking floor space with anyone!"

Nicely put.

So Cloud stayed with the quartet and spent most days ferreting out the Heartless, occasionally sparring with Leon and mostly dodging Yuffie who'd decided that Cloud needed a makeover:

"You're too emo- homicidal maniac in that look. You'll never get a cute little boyfriend looking like that!"

Yes, Cloud had very good reason to be scared. Aerith had already managed to somehow trick him into wearing a dress; he didn't want to see what Yuffie could do given the same chance.

As he spent more time living with the group he picked up on their routines and habits. The way Yuffie would dive bomb onto the men's stomachs should they be unfortunate enough to be sleeping when she awoke. The punctuality of Aerith when it came to meals…and the wonder of how a girl who could cook gourmet food could create such…_unique_ beverages. He'd learnt that you could almost set your watch by Cid's first smoke of the day, always at 7:45am.

He learnt that Leon had a habit of sneaking off somewhere.

Yuffie regaled him with tales of her failed attempts to follow the moody brunet, including one disastrous attempt that landed her soaking wet in the alley behind the Hotel. She always lost him in the Second District. When the three adults were present after an attempt she'd bounce ideas off of them, whether they liked it or not.

Today was such a day.

"Maybe he's got a boyfriend!" Yuffie beamed, her eyes turning into a bright stars at the thought, mercifully forgetting her graphic suggestion that Leon was a strip dancer using money the audience tucked into his silky thong to pay their bills. "Maybe they meet at his house where they roll on the floor or slam each other against the wall in the shower and have wild, kinky s-"

"Shaddup!" Cid snapped, throwing his ashtray at her. "There's some things a man doesn't need to hear!"

"But Ciiiiiid!"

"No!" Cid scowled, swiping at his nose with a thumb irritably. "'Sides, did you ever think that maybe he's seeing a girl?"

Yuffie's eyes widened comically, the blood draining from her face as her mouth fell open on a piercing shriek. "_Mother of Fuck! He's __**not**__ gay_?!"

Placing his book to one side next to him on the bed, Cloud lifted a hand and began to massage his temple, a headache throbbing painfully beneath his fingers.

Aerith smiled, watching as Cid dropped his cigarette in pure shock. "Yuffie, why are you so convinced that everyone we know is gay?"

"Because hot young men like our Cloud and Leon are _always_ gay. They _have_ to be!" She stated vehemently. "It's a _crime_ against fangirls everywhere if they're not!"

"So their personal preference has no say in the matter?" Cid queried lighting up a new cigarette as he leant against the wall.

A sneer briefly twisted her face as she threw the words back at him disdainfully. "'Personal preferences.'" Yuffie scoffed and tossed her head, a scornful look on her youthful features. "Absolutely not!" She gave a low dramatic sigh as she hauled herself up onto the table and began to swing her legs, a sympathetic look on her face as she stared kindly at the man. "Honestly Cid, at your age you shouldn't be so _naïve_."

Aerith and Cloud exchanged doubting looks. Cid was many things but neither believed naïve to be one of them.

"So why is Leon gay then?" Aerith asked tentatively. "Besides his…erm, youthful hotness?"

The ninja's eyes brightened again evidently excited at talk of a subject dear to her heart. "He wears _leather_ Aerith!" She replied matter-of-factly. "That is the token material of the gay man. He wears a _necklace_, he has an _earring_. He's…" She gestured helplessly for a moment, words failing her, even if only for one fleeting reprieve. "Just a _total uke_."

"A _what_?" Cloud blurted out, wincing when he saw the look of perverted adulation gleaming in those impish eyes. Darting a look at Aerith, he saw the woman giggling behind a hand, a mock-sympathetic expression in her eyes as she caught his stare, gesturing knowingly at the younger girl. Yuffie had swung off of the table and was skipping towards him, an appraising look in her eyes.

_Oh __**hell**_.

"Cloud, Cloud, Cloudy, Cloud" Yuffie's voice was gentle, considerate and patently fake. She raised a hand and patted his shoulder fondly. "You're a seme, we all know it. Yet you're telling me you don't know what a uke is when you've clearly…'sheathed your sword in a few scabbards'?"

At this Cid choked; a coughing fit ensued as he thumped at his own back desperately. Aerith turned a shockingly bright red, her eyelashes fluttering as she fanned herself with her hands, attempting to cool her face. Cloud looked at Yuffie blankly, the analogy lost for a moment before it clicked. His eyes widened fractionally as he fixed her with a dark look, ruthlessly quelling the burning sensation in his cheeks.

"…I'm not going to dignify that with a response. Instead I'll point out that you now have two words to explain." Eyeing her warily, he hesitantly elaborated, the nagging sensation in the back of his head telling him he'd regret it. "Seme. Uke. What are they?"

Yuffie _cackled_.

Suddenly fearing for his life, Cid ran for the door, a horribly flustered Aerith not too far behind. As it slammed shut behind them, Yuffie grinned angelically, leaning against the door, blocking Cloud's only means of escape. "A seme, my dear Cloudy, is the assertive –or should that be _in_sertive?- of a male homosexual couple. The uke is the bitch, the one who _takes it_."

Cloud's face finally gave into the fierce blushing he'd been so stoutly resisting, choking on his spit as he realised just what she'd been talking about. "…how did we get on this topic?" He asked miserably, a reproachful look shot at the girl. "Weren't you trying to figure out where Leon disappears to?"

"Oh yea!" She exclaimed, slamming her fist into her palm and nodding sagely. "I think he's got a boyfriend! Think about it Cloud! He always sneaks off and-"

Someone tried to open the door, jolting Yuffie forward a bit though failing to move her out of the way.

"The hell?" Leon's voice was low and biting. "Yuffie what did you shove in front of the door _this time_?"

Yuffie giggled, stepping back and opening the door. As Leon stepped in she threw her arms around him with a cheer. "Leon! You old so-and-so! How's the b-o-y friend?"

"The _what_?!"

Seeing the murderous look on Leon's face, one stormy coloured eye twitching violently, Cloud took his cue to leave and slipped past the pair just seconds before Leon started on the girl.

"_Boyfriend? Goddamnit Yuffie! Get your mind away from the __**yaoi **__gutter for one bloody minute already! I __**don't**__ have a boyfriend_!"

_Great_. Cloud thought annoyed. Not only would Yuffie continue to bother him with her speculations over the brunet's disappearances but now he had a new word to look up.

--_Yaoi_--

"What?" Aerith blinked, a delicate blush settling on her cheeks as her wide green eyes stared at Cloud incredulously.

"You heard me." He replied coolly. "_Yaoi_. What is it?"

A slender hand slapped itself against Aerith's mouth, the pink-clad form shaking in mirth.

"Why…why don't…you ask…Yuffie?" She gasped between laughs and breaths.

"Because I don't trust her response." Cloud fixed her with a firm look. "I'd rather not deal with her perverted mind."

Aerith laughed, bringing an elbow up onto the table and resting her chin on her palm. "Cloud, in this case her 'perverted mind' has the right idea."

Oh hell no.

With a sinking feeling Cloud watched as an uncharacteristically evil smile slowly settled on Aerith's angelic features. The urge to throw himself out the window running alongside their table was rising with each millimetre that smile grew.

"Yaoi is man sex."

The casualness of the statement caused Cloud to fall off of his chair, the pretty healer laughing as the words –and the fact that it was _her_ speaking- permeated his mind and he started to sputter, staring at her with wide eyes.

Composing herself a moment later she pointed across the courtyard to where Yuffie was closing the Third District gate behind her. "You might want to run." Aerith chirped sweetly picking up her cup of tea and sipping it calmly. "Yuffie's in matchmaker mode. Something about the hotness of 'Cleon'. Apparently Leon's confirmation of his single status has convinced her that you two belong together. She also mentioned 'cameras', 'bondage' and 'a Cleon doujinshi skyrocketing to fame'."

Gaping at the angelic vision in pink for a moment, Cloud flailed in trying to find a response before swiftly ducking out of the café and all but bolting for the Second District.

"Clooooouuuuuddddd!" Yuffie wailed as he disappeared. Feet thundering behind him told Cloud that she was going to chase him.

Fare thee well, most honourable dignity.

XXX As for where Leon was… 

"One at a time." Leon murmured in fond exasperation to the puppies clamouring around him as he sat cross-legged on the floor. He gently shoved a puppy off of one knee, his voice rising in a fond rebuke. "Oy! Lucky, you've already had three! Let your siblings have a chance."

His stoic features softened into a gentle smile as a podgy puppy nuzzled the bare skin of his side peeping between his white shirt and leather pants. "Rolly!" He scooped the pup up and nuzzled his nose playfully, a delight chuckle dancing past his lips. "Where have you been hiding? You need your bellyrub, yes you do." He froze, quietly looking down at the other puppies clustering around him, their tongues lolling and their eyes gleaming playfully. "Did I just say…no. One at a time. No! Sit! One at a-ahhhh!"

Leon was pushed down onto his back as the puppies tackled him, all insistent on getting a bellyrub. The man's body disappeared under a sea of white and black, faint cries of "Off!" permeating the continuous barks and yelps.

XXX The Puppy-filled End

Heehee, Leon's really ooc but I argue that no one could be anything but an adoring pile of goo around ze cute little puppies. Including Leon.


End file.
